There is that little bugger! Over this weekend I’ve searched through all of my photo albums through the past 8 years and there it was. The beauty mark from hell painted on my left upper arm. I’ve always been loaded down with freckles although many have faded over the years. Some new ones have appeared that seem normal and I never thought much about them, until now.
Now I’m worried about each and every one of my freckles, examining each with a scrutiny unlike ever before. Has it changed? Has it always been there? I feel more aware of every ache and pain that normally I would just brush off with a dose of aspirin chased down with my morning coffee. Why is it that I seem to wake up with pounding headaches and a back ache? Who in the world has charley horses in their abdomen? What is this bump on the back of my head? It amazes me how in just a few day’s that a person can become obsessively aware of self.
I mentioned in my previous post that this is the third time that I’ve had to face my terrific mortality. Eight and a half years ago I was 20 weeks pregnant and on Hwy 16 slowing down for an accident was just ahead. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a speeding tour bus barreling down on me. It’s was amazing! There had to be 5 seconds at most before impact, but do you know how many years of thought can go through your mind in that short of time? I always thought the phrase of having your life flash before your eyes was cliché’. Au contraire! It is a real and precisely defined experience.
Take that “Holy Shit! I almost died!” stomach flip feeling you get after realizing you’ve leaned back too far in your chair. Magnify that rush a hundredfold until you find yourself in the midst of an extreme thought orgasm full of memories and future hopes. There is no time to form a prayer and give God an argument on why you don’t want to die right now. There is no time to finally tell a person that “Thank you” or “I’m sorry” that you’ve been putting off. No time for a “Goodbye, I love you” before the impending crash and possible doom.
That is, unless one has the mortality of an optimist. Then you just know that no matter what, everything is going to work out okay because God has His hand on it. You are given time for one short prayer and plea that covers every single thought or care. “Thy will be done.”
I survived that crash. Some say it was a miracle; some chalk it up to coincidental luck. I say it wasn’t in God’s will for me to die that day and it wasn’t my time.
That gives me hope to plow through this melanoma mountain that is ahead of me. If it’s my time then it’s my time, if not I can’t stop living just to wait on the unknown. We all should live each day as if we were dying for the day will come soon enough when it will be all we can do to just breathe.